The Dakota 38 Ride starts soon. I sent some maz on to one of the riders. He and his family are such a bright star in a dark Crow Creek winter's night from where The Ride will begin. Would love to be there, but we are off to see family. I said in an earlier tweet that family (in-laws) are overrated. Yet, there are those that I love. I wonder about some and the others, well, not so much of anything.
I pondered on this.
All throughout my life growing up with Gram and Choka, there were so many family and tribal struggles and so much jealousy that it was hard to have peaceful relations with anyone for too long. Yet, when there was great need, a death, an illness we all came together for a ceremony. It was so nice. There were songs that were sung, with the water drum beating ever so gently. I miss those songs! I still remember a few and sing them when I feel lonely for my grandparents.
These difficult family relationships haven't changed much. Now, I must include my husband's family. I used to be so close to some of them. One in particular, who is now divorced from the family. People thought we were sisters, instead of our husbands who were brothers. I sent a note to his new wife to wish her well one day, accept her in some small way and that is when it started.
Well, it actually started with my mother in law. Angry that I was not Catholic (never) and was very much, Indian.
This, and my note to the new wife, just fed into the life blood of this amazing family. Each member so unique and gifted, yet I was not one of them and would never be, and neither would our adopted children.
We plodded on, until today, when I realized that we never have any contact with them and neither would my children when Paulo and I are gone. They seem to be quite fine with this, but I am sad about it.
I won't apologize for Paulo and I falling in love and still being married after 29 years. I won't apologize for our adopted children after years and years of trying to conceive. One of Paulo's brothers was actually disgusted with us after we adopted Sam and then Amalia. One he could understand, but two more, ridiculous. What about our happiness he said. LOL! I won't apologize for being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints either. I won't apologize for keeping my ways in my way, and the way that I was taught my Gram and Choka. I won't apologize for being me. I am so done with that! I won't apologize for researching my ancestor Glory of the Morning who was the first and only Peace Chief of a band of Ho-Chunk who resided on Doty Island.
I will miss The Ride this year. It helps me heal and remember. I need The Ride to heal. I need to heal from so much anger about assimilation, treaties, clans attacking clans and the clan-less, families members feeling more Guimaraes or Decorah than others, church members feeling more righteous than others, the racism and discrimination in DMC, so much dishonesty and lack of integrity in and out of the church....no, I am not judging. I am using that gift of discernment I have been given in great abundance to determine how to preserve my family and myself.
As I write about Glory of the Morning, I feel the sting of separation and loneliness that she must have felt when up to one half of the tribe separated from one another because she was elected Peace Chief. I am nothing special to many, but I am special to my people - my little family. We are alone for a time, but cultivating sweet friendships from among the Creator's choicest people. Yet, through the sting, the unkindness, the debauchery, the racism, dishonesty, the hope of the season, and the love of family I penned this poem in honor of self preservation:
Fear,
awakened in moonlight,
calms,
gives light to
anger,
with each
rhythmic breath,
fills my heart with,
loneliness.
Yearn,
overcome in darkness,
paralyzed to lose
self,
each thought,
surrenders,
accepting everything,
becoming nothing,
ordinary.
Dream,
greater than this,
ancients lived,
triumphant over death,
despair,
releases hope,
precious and rare,
so elusive is Thy love. - Valerie DeCora Guimaraes
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